I'm All In

My husband/editor is away this entire week - and also the week before that, but who is counting? I am actually. That means about 87 diapers I have changed and 45 meals I have prepared and five trips to the airport I have made and ... OK, getting a little bit off-topic here. The point is my man is gone and I am feeling miserable. Not only did we get a new puppy (that's Darth Vader on the left) and I am running a house that looks like a kid's camp on my own, but I feel kind of sad and incomplete without my man around; it is like a part of me is missing. I know, I know - I hear myself saying it too, and I promise I am rolling my eyes as well. But, it is true. I need my man.

This is not something I ever thought I would say - not ever. I spent many years making sure no one thought I was actually dependent on, or even overly attached to, them. I once had a boyfriend who became elated when he thought he heard me say "I need you", immediately blurting out "I need you too!", only to be sorely disappointed when I clarified "no, um, I knee'd you -- my knee just hit you (sorry)." I have never before understood women who are all about their men, neglecting friends, work, their own interests and even their dreams... it just never made sense. I would cringe when I saw women hanging all over their guy, dropping everything to be with them. Gag. I would pride myself on going to a party with a boyfriend and not seeing him the entire evening. I would even consider that great.

What happened to me?

Well, two things really. First, I fell in love with my husband who turns out to also be my best friend, and being with him is pure fun, pretty much all the time. But something else - something even bigger - happened. I managed to finally let go of the anxious worry that being dependent on someone, being with someone all the time, trusting someone fully, might be considered a sign of weakness. But now it seems like those ideas of strength and weakness were off by about 180 degrees. Now I feel a sign of weakness would be not doing what feels right to you because you were afraid of what it might look like to others. A sign of weakness would be not letting yourself move into a deeper connection with your partner because of fear. Admitting you love and miss your partner is not a sign of weakness.

Part of my reluctance to incorporate anyone fully into my life was due to my being afraid that I would not be able to get along without them. What the...? How is this a fear? If I had to get along without my husband, (God forbid, knock on wood, spit on a little troll doll - or whatever we need to do to make this not happen) I would. I made it through this past week and I would make it through whatever else came my way - but why plan for that? Why live anything other than my happiest, best life because something may or may not happen? Why live in the reality of worst case scenario? Loss is hard. Maybe the hardest thing we ever have to deal with. But avoiding deep connections solely to make a potential loss easier would deprive me of everyday great.

The other block I used to have was not wanting to develop a co-dependent relationship. Although I still have no desire to have a one-sided, emotionally destructive, or abusive relationship - that doesn't mean I can't have a dependent relationship. It only makes sense to depend on each other; it is why we form tribes and travel in packs. You can't do it all by yourself, and even if you can - who wants to? Things are much more fun with a buddy along for the ride. People like to be needed, and it feels good to let go and accept help. This is how humans are at their best.

As I mentioned, we just got a puppy. That is right, 7 kids with two under the age of three was simply not enough for me - I had to add an eight-week-old puppy to the Mangiacotti-Miller tribe. I am clearly comfortable with the idea of lots of creatures depending on me, and I am finally starting to become comfortable with the idea of being dependent right back.

It feels good to care for others and for others to care for you. You wouldn't think this is a tough lesson to learn, but I know I have had a hard time with it. I was under the mistaken impression that being strong meant being un-phased by the absence of your partner, that it meant being so independent you happily said goodbye, perhaps even reveling in your time alone - but it certainly did not mean wishing every day for him to come back to you. But, that is exactly what I did this past week. I don't think it means I'm weak. I am just so in love and a very big fan of having my tribe in tact. Nothing is better than having all the kids home and having everything right with the world. Why should I pretend that being away from my partner feels right? It doesn't.

In fairness, Miller has tricked me into this dependency by being generally awesome [Editor's note: Curses - secret plan has been revealed!]. He rubs my back for about 45 minutes every night until I fall asleep. It sounds really sweet, but it is a trick. He started doing it and I let him, not realizing I was gradually becoming very much addicted - and now I can't get to sleep without him. Damn you Miller!

So, I have become one of the women who once made me gag. The kind who needs their man and doesn't even have the good sense to hide it. It is a good thing I am now OK with it, and now when I am out at a party, I have a great time talking to lots of people, but I also love that if I lean back while in conversation, my lovely husband will be right behind me.

[Editor's note: Karen, I love that too! :-)]